It’s freezing outside and my head is killing me—I have a “Benadryl-sleep-late-and-coffee” headache—you know, from when you take Benadryl to go to sleep faster, but then you sleep really late and wake up dehydrated but the only thing you want is dehydrating hot coffee? Yeah, that’s where we are today.
Andrew ate like a dozen donut holes and now nothing pleases him, and I can’t get this ink stain out of the carpet (Andrew’s been focusing on his landscape art, and everything has ink on it. Also, we’re considering using the markers as a special treat rather than an everyday medium, since he’s been throwing things when he isn’t allowed to have markers.) The government is still shut down, and all our outdoor furniture (read: an old stroller and a folding chair we left on the patio a year ago) had to come inside because we woke up at 3 with the sounds of gale force winds. It’s a regular Saturday at our house, and I’m just lifestyle-expert-ing away.
I’m a lifestyle expert, by the way, in case you hadn’t heard.
Oh, you did hear?
You just don’t believe me or care?
Got it. Thanks, just checking…
So anyway, while Andrew sleeps off a day living with his artistic temperament and Thomas goes to the store to get the heck away from the two of us for a while, I figured I’d update everyone on the kind of week it’s been.
I know a lot of you are cold, and tired, and your resolutions may not be working out (except for Kim. Her resolution to eat even healthier seems to be going fine. Good for you, Kim), but I figured I could encourage you with my wisdom.
Just kidding. I figured I’d tell you every stupid thing I did this week, and it would make you feel better. Here goes…buckle up.
- Closed the bathroom door on my arm. Left quite the bruise.
- Knocked myself in the face with an umbrella while standing in the carpool line—my glasses nearly broke.
- Dropped Andrew off at school and updated his teachers on the rough morning we’d had (Went from happily watching Toy Story to throwing a giant tantrum in fifteen seconds), which prompted him to say, “They broke me.” Which is a quote from Toy Story but sure sounded like something else. Let the record show that I have never spanked Andrew and if anybody broke anybody, he broke me—my back hurt all day from carrying him to the car while he screamed and flailed.
- Ate half a box of peanut brittle in the line at Walgreens while listening to Sting—before I’d realized I’d done either. My mom’s response to this was, “Who still listens to Sting?” I do, mom. I do.
- Failed to quiet my cousin’s baby, even while dancing with her and singing Tom Petty. She sure is cute, though. And about a tenth the weight my son was at birth.
- Accidentally threw away my bank card and then forgot cash at home, so when I needed to put gas in the car to get back from school, I had to borrow five bucks from Kim. (She’s a real person, by the way…and her diet does seem to be going well. she’s not just a construct created to talk about all the people who are good at dieting, she’s a very nice woman who was good for five bucks when I needed her. Thank you, Kim.)
- Called a child by his brother’s name. This is a big deal when you’re seven.
- Called another child by his brother’s name. They’re twins, but this is still unacceptable.
- Couldn’t convince my work computer to turn on.
- Finally bribed it to turn on, but messed up a project I’ve worked on for months.
- Remember that box of peanut brittle? I’m still detoxing from it. I, like Andrew, throw tantrums when I have too much sugar.
- Nearly ordered a USED drain snake. WHY IS THIS EVEN AVAILABLE, AMAZON???
- Remember the peanut brittle? Not only did the sugar hangover last until, like, half an hour ago, but my face broke out, prompting children to speculate on what was stuck to my head. On closer inspection, one girl pronounced, “it’s just a zit.” They all agreed.
- Remember how I threw my bank card out? I realized this when I was at the checkout at the grocery store, the bags already full of weird cheeses and organic toddler snacks and silicone oven mitts. My splurging found me out, and I had to write them a check for the first time in my adult life, while the people behind me looked on, shaking their heads in shame. Some lifestyle expert, they were probably thinking…I mean, you can tell I’m a lifestyle expert by looking at me, so I’m sure that’s what was going through their minds…
So anyway, that’s the story.
January really is the worst month of the year, and add to that the fact that the government is shut down and we’re all stressed about that, and you’ve got a crisis of confidence. The shutdown may last a long time, and so will winter.
I hope that the next post will be more encouraging—I really am working on the list (getting stains out of the carpet continues to be a saga of Tolkien proportions), and Andrew doesn’t throw fits every second of the day (when he’s watching tv he’s quiet, and when he’s coloring he says Bob Ross things like “Decide where your mountain lives”, and when he sits next to me on the couch he says, “kiss?”), and I’ve eaten things besides peanut brittle (a healthy smoothie, some vegetables with a delicious sauce, a spoonful of almond butter with a drizzle of pure maple syrup, all my mom’s Jordan almonds, and some Indian appetizers that were amazing), and I have great people in my life (Thomas, my personal shopper…mom, giver of Jordan almonds and babysitter of Drew…), and y’all in the blob are a great encouragement to me.
So thanks for reading and I hope this makes you feel better. Otherwise my suffering and peanut brittle were all in vain.
Shoot, that peanut brittle was good though…it goes great with Sting. I don’t know what it is about those two things that they pair so well together…
Thanks, team.
And thanks, Kim.
P.S. Since a lifestyle expert should provide recipes, here’s one from this very evening:
“Easy Biscuits To Eat With Canned Beans”
- Wait until husband and son are half heartedly watching Monsters, Inc. and wholeheartedly coloring on a cardboard box.
- Get the store-brand Bisquick and follow the recipe on the back of the box.
- When it forms “soft dough”, or gets all sticky, add a spoonful of chopped garlic and a few shakes of basil.
- Bake for almost too long.
- Serve with butter, which son would eat on its own, and a pot of canned beans heated with broth and turkey bacon.
- Immediately follow with a bubble bath for bean-and-butter-and-biscuit-smeared son. Counts as baking things that start out as dough. The picture on this post is very misleading, but when I typed in ‘biscuits’, it showed cookies. But these are southern biscuits—nondescript handfuls of dough and salt and water, topped with butter, jam, or gravy.
the heartfelt awkward 