So it’s been three months since I started my Grownup Internet Weblog, and I’ve learned a lot. I figured I’d update you on my progress. In some ways, it’s better than I hoped. And in some ways, worse. So here’s The List, and here’s how I’m doing, thing by thing:
1. Write something for people to read.
Well, you’re reading this, aren’t you, Mom? Or Tammy from school? Thank you, whoever you are. It means a lot to me.
2. Save a substantial amount of money.
This is a no-go. I’ve saved SOME money, but the coupons aren’t adding up like I’d like. And try as I might, I can’t live in a world where we don’t eat meat from time to time.
3. Get stains out of the rug.
Oy vey. This one still brings me grief. I got a few stains out, but others remain. Tinahorse just sits there, silently judging me on his unmoving wheels.
4. Speak Spanish passably well.
I put together half a sentence the other day, and I can understand like every third word of the pop songs on the Latino station. But I can read road signs and billboards, so that’s good.
5. Bake things that start out as dough.
Haven’t even tried. That would require clearing the table off and that isn’t going to happen until summer.
6. Cook a steak.
Hey, maybe next time I get a craving for expensive food and forget about saving substantial money I can buy a steak! Drew won’t eat it and Thomas doesn’t understand steak but I could give it a try.
7. Get through a long, boring, classic book so I understand cultural references.
I already read Anna Karenina once a year on the plane (or used to before I had to entertain Drew on long flights), but people don’t refer to Anna Karenina as much as you’d like them to. I started The Bell Jar but it wasn’t my style. Any recommendations would be appreciated. I’m thinking like a summer reading book I didn’t pick up in high school. Probably gonna have to be Catcher in the Rye or Grapes of Wrath. Nothing scary, please.
8. Sit through a long, famous, classic movie so I understand references and jokes.
I rented Casablanca then forgot! I love Florence Foster Jenkins, by the way, in case anyone needs a good movie to watch (not with kids, it’s not one of those—it’s Oscar bait), and talk about worrying that people thought you were stupid! Florence Foster Jenkins has given me a complex that everyone is conspiring to make me think I’m good at things when I’m not. I can take it, trust me…be honest, whoever you are…
9. Learn how football works.
At this point I’m sort of embarrassed to ask people, but I have to. Maybe in the fall I’ll dive headfirst into football culture.
10. Learn how finance works. Like, even a LITTLE.
See “Blah Blah Blah Money—I Don’t Feel Stupid”.
11. Expand my food horizons.
I ate a dragonfruit, and when I was in Ireland I had curry at a pub. It was the best I’ve ever had in my life. So creamy…
12. Learn to apply eyeliner.
Success! The other day I applied a spotless line of black along my eyelid…then my forehead twitched and all of a sudden I was Avril Lavigne. Never mind. Try try again.
13. Travel. Internationally. Without freaking out.
Done and actually done, thank you very much. Dublin and Galway have a piece of my heart and a bunch of toiletries I lost.
14. Learn how to use a compass. Just in case.
In case of what? In case of a Walking Dead situation? Dude, I’d be dead in ten minutes unless the Governor fell in love with me. Which…I don’t know, he might. Or I could be someone’s jester/herald in a post-apocalyptic world. And those are the only two options. What was I talking about? Oh, a compass. Nope, haven’t done this one.
15. Drive on the highway. Without freaking out.
Joking aside, I’m getting better at this one.
16. …really, learn ANYTHING about cars.
I’ve learned that mine is on its last legs, and I’m hunting around for a new one, so I’m learning SOME things.
17. Learn how the U.S. government works.
I listen to NPR but it isn’t telling me a lot.
18. Keep a plant alive. Preferably an edible one.
Nope, haven’t done.
19. Fix minor problems with clothes (so…sewing, I guess).
Yes, I stitched a hole up in a dress! Sure, it looks like a kid or a horror movie villain did it, but no hole= succes.
20. Fix ANY broken thing…just fix something.
I’m fixing the feelings in my heart that tell me not to try. So I’m fixing my attitude. And I’m cleaning more, which might be helping to fix Thomas’s allergies to dust.
Hopefully, in a few more months I can report with more success. Summer is almost upon us, and summer is when teachers accomplish non-school things. So we’ll see.
Thanks, team.
the heartfelt awkward 