Progress Report May 2019

Ah, May of 2019. For those of you who, like me, always figured Jesus would’ve returned by now, it’s weird to say the year like that. 2019…we’ve passed 2012, which was supposed to be the end of the world, and 2001, which was a space odyssey that ended in…something weird. But here we are, and here is my progress report. I’m thinking of this because the teachers at school are getting report cards ready for kids who are about to finish another year. And I, too, mark the passing of time by the months of the school year.

1. Write something for people to read.

It’s been a light month for readership–the post “If I Had a Siren,”, about Grace, got more reads and shares than anything else I’ve ever written, and thanks be to God for all those praying for her. She seems to be doing ok…she’s brave and she has a terrific family that love her.

2. Save a substantial amount of money.

I continue with my Ibotta saving, and even roped a friend into using my codes! She says she likes it okay. However, because I’m tired, I haven’t been cooking much, so I spent like 11 dollars on a brisket taco with Gatorade last week. I won’t say where, but let’s just say I was surrounded by fans of a woman whose initials are JG.

It was Magnolia. I was at Magnolia. JG is Joanna Gaines. The brisket taco was 9 dollars and the Gatorade was 2. I’m ashamed enough about it, so spare me the lectures.

3. Get stains out of the rug.

Nope, rug looks awful. Still stained.

4. Speak Spanish passably well.

This may be the one bright spot. I can understand like 70% of the Spanish radio station, although pop is pop, so that doesn’t mean I GET it…all the idioms and half-finished sentences don’t exactly lend themselves to easy translation. Just like English pop music.

5. Bake things that start out as dough.

I decided, on impulse, to make cookies for Thomas and Andrew on Mother’s Day. They came out great and we ate them all.

6. Cook a steak.

Lawrence, my father-in-law, insists I remind everyone that we DID make a steak last summer. He insists on that every time this particular post is written. So Lawrence, consider everyone reminded. He fixes a great steak. Really, it’s delicious.

7. Get through a long, boring, classic book so I understand cultural references.

I just read a book by P.D. James called “A Mind to Murder”. It was a murder mystery set in a London psychiatric clinic in the 70’s, and it’s all about the staff and how dysfunctional they all are. It was pretty good, though the ending was a little…I don’t know, simple? Then again, what do I know.

8. Sit through a long, famous, classic movie so I understand references and jokes.

I still haven’t gotten through “Moana”, though Drew knows all the words to most of the songs. And he also knows all the words to “Let it Go” from Frozen. He sings and waves his hands like Elsa. It’s…weird.

9. Learn how football works.

Nope.

10. Learn how finance works. Like, even a LITTLE.

I recently saw that movie “The Wizard of Lies”, about Bernie Madoff. It stars Michelle Pfeiffer as the wife and Robert DeNiro as the eponymous wizard, Mr. Madoff. I had to call my sister the Economics major to explain a lot of it to me, and she did. It made a lot of sense. So thank you, Ginni.

11. Expand my food horizons.

Did I mention the gourmet brisket taco? I did? Okay, moving on.

A few weeks ago I had Pasta Carbonara made by our priest, and it was awesome. Absolutely awesome.

12. Learn to apply eyeliner.

I haven’t worn a lot of makeup these last couple of weeks because I keep rubbing my eyes. Although I have a picture of me in dark makeup, and if you remind me, I’ll show you later.

13. Travel. Internationally. Without freaking out.

Right now I’d love to travel internationally. An old teacher of mine just went on a trip to Ireland, and I’m jealous. If you haven’t read my post about “Dublin Ireland, Y’all,” it was one of my better ones. Ah, Keith the van driver. You taught me not to say stupid things.

14. Learn how to use a compass. Just in case.

This one I took care of a while ago. Zombie Apocalypse, here I come. Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland? Ready for you.

Once on “30 Rock”, the Alec Baldwin character tells the Tina Fey character that, in the event of an apocalypse, she would be useless except as a “mine canary”, which she counters with the idea that she could be a “traveling bard”. And that is my intention in the event of the apocalypse. I hereby offer my services as a henchman, jester, herald, or freestyle rapper.

15. Drive on the highway. Without freaking out.

Our highway is actually being torn up right now, but Lindsay doesn’t care! I’ve driven on that thing all over the place, including that time a couple weeks ago when the street from my school completely flooded and Drew and I wove our way home through wealthy neighborhoods while sirens screeched and the fire truck drove down the street the wrong way to rescue people trapped in cars. I did NOT freak out, though I did sing that Needtobreathe song “Walking on Water”, until Andrew said, “No. No sing.”

16. …really, learn ANYTHING about cars.

Um, ours is a wreck right now? We’re waiting on a new taillight, so I’ve learned that while my little gray car can swim, it can’t fix its own taillights.

17. Learn how the U.S. government works.

Oh, boy. I totally forgot about this one. I learned a little bit about how it worked during the meltdown of 2009, thanks to Ginni and “The Wizard of Lies”, but….no.

18. Keep a plant alive. Preferably an edible one.

RIP, basil plant. As a metaphor for long-term goals you were great. As a plant, you didn’t want what I had to offer…sunlight and water. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us.

19. Fix minor problems with clothes (so…sewing, I guess).

Ha! Haha haha… (deep breath) Hahahahaha….

No.

20. Fix ANY broken thing…just fix something.

This one station KEEPS breaking in my class, and I KEEP fixing it. But other than that, no.

Not much to report on right now, not much to be proud of. But I guess all of life couldn’t be successes or we’d all be Mark Hamill.